i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
