textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
