Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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