You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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