Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
