I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
