i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
