I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
