You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
