These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
