my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
