Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
