dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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