apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
