why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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