Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
