guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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