when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
