sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
