Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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