i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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