I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
