watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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