Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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