I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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