On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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