I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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