So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
