I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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