Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
