ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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