My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
