gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
