my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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