You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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