I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Still dying that you shit outside
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
