One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
