Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
