I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
