i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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