my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
