Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
