I want to have your abortion
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
