good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
