____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
