You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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