She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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