I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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