My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
