alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
