The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize