So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
