Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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