Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
