don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
