I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
