yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
