Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
