I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
